Falling Out of Love is Hard . . .

It wasnt supposed to be like this. now i cant get away. Now im stuck here frozen in time, wondering why i went down this road. And how i let my vision blur to such an extreme point. Wondering how i fell so hard, no shin guards, no knee pads, no helmet...i went all in.shit man...Falling Out of Love is Hard.

i need time..

Written : June 12th , 2010 Intended Delivery : October 12th, 2010.

- im kind of lost. i dont know who i am or who i want to be or what i want period. i dont Love myself, so im begining to doubt my feelings for you. What if this isnt love, what if none of this is real, what if its not that ' forever ' type of thing..i wanted it to be..i thought it was.. but im not so sure anymore. Sometimes i feel like i dont deserve you. like im not good enough, or strong enough , or smart enough , or independent enough , or attractive enough.And vise versa sometimes i think you dont deserve Me. Sometimes i think i dont love you enough , because i dont know how to. i dont know anything. im not the person either of us wants or needs me to be. . . i havnt grown into her yet. You left me for 4 months, & found yur way back to me. Now its my turn. So im taking the next 4 months to focus on ME, find who i am and who i want to be, to grow into that female . If youre reading this it means i did it. If youre reading this i guess that means this is real, i really do love you, and i have found my way back to you...hope i didnt write this for nothing =/

Ready for Better .

Things were getting better.. well they were feeling better. &then i got caught up in everything i thought was real.everything that wasnt.everything that isnt & never will be . Why do we do this? its not just a girl thing , guys do it too . We put all of ourselves into One person , knowing its gna blow up in your face. thinking its worth it , when in reality- it isnt worth SHIT. im so tired. Physically, Mentally, Emotionally? woah lets not even go there. ive been getting better at hiding how i feel , but lately i just feel like breaking down. i start crying &laughing hysterically at the same time. i myself dont even know how i feel anymore, how am i supposed to describe it to anyone else? You ask me whats wrong & i wanna scream EVERYTHING.im 15 , still a baby , yet ive gone through so much. So many things ive done, irrevirsible. im sick of feeling this way , im going to fight for love, happiness , friendship. Im going to fight for that feeling back. the feeling of LIVING. the feeling of BREATHING. im gna work my ass off in everyway possible. Because im ready for better.

FRIENDZONE- _-

so theres this new guyy . who i GUESS i have a crush on. he makes me smile.. which is something i dont usually do... well.... REAL SMILES lol.but umm.. im in the fuckin FRIEND ZONE? how the fuck did tht happen AND HOW DO I REVERSE IT GAHHH HELP.

release

Though everything has gotten better , i still dont feel complete. And im not sure why . Maybe its the breakup . Maybe its school , or stress or my sickness. idk . but music seems to make it better. i have no privacy ... no safe place to jus cry without ppl making a big deal about it. i just want to cry . i go in the shower and cry my eyes out , holding my breath , trying to make sure no one hears me. i wish i could jus scream... i feel like if i jus screammm on the top of my lungs, throw things, and jus cryy ... as loud as my heart needs to.. everything will be ok. maybe i could cry this off . i need to Releaseee this anger inside of me , the devil in me , the tears bottled inside. Blast the speakers, close my eyes , & go somewhere far far away ....

Love Life Nowadayss

i say i love him . but im not really sure what it is. im 15 , do i even know what love is ? i know tht when i see him , my heart stops . i stop breathing , i cant think straight. i know that when he talks to me , when he holds me, everythings OK. i know tht even though everyone thinks hes no good for me , i believe hes the only one thats right. We both did wrong , and though i have forgiven him for it ALL. he cant bring himself to forgive me for anything. i waited so long to here him say those words. i love you lexi , when i finally got them it felt so unreal. too good to be true. and i guess i was right. because he " loves " me but he cant forgive me. & so we will never work . nomatter how much i want it to. nomatter how much i pray , everyone is right. it wont work. but not for the reasons they think. its not because hes a piece of shit- cause believe me hes so much more. but its because hes stubborn and hard headed . Weve gone too far, done too much . its too late to go back now . its time to move on .

='/

Well . ..

its been a while since ive done this whole blogging thing. dnt really know where to start . i went into exilee. i quess you could sayy . .. i dissapeared ... from the world... well - as much as i could anyway. i distanced myself from everything , because i didnt know what was causing so much pain. i didnt kno what was hurting me so i cut EVERYTHING off. i spent time away and i figured stuff out. i found myself. i found who i wanna be. i found Lexi . and though im not COMPLETELY happy with my life...im doing alot better . ♥