Undecided.

im the type of qrl , that sees what she wants & qoes for it.... but lately ive been the type of qrl who doesnt even know what she wants. i hate hurting people. ican be the biggest bitch ever. idnt mind telling you the truth. but when it comes to breaking hearts , it kills me. ithought iloved him . but he was everything i ddnt want. he was everything i should never have , everything thats bad for me. yet - the only thing my heart was calling for. and then i thought i ddnt care. ithought it was over. for good this time. & in a way it is. we will never be what we started off as. what were supposed to be. because now i have feelings for someone else. someone who deserves me. idnt really know him tht well , but he makes me feel good. he deserves a fair chance. hes what iwant. but. idont know if im ready to give him that chance. idont know if ican give him my heart , when i know my ex still has it. and this makes me so mad, iwant this kid. & i hate my ex. but icnt let him qo . iknow we wont be toqether aqain . its jus the fact tht he stays on my mind. he hurt me over & over . HE DOESNT DESERVE ME. its over. its over. its over . and it repeats in my mind. i qet it . its done with. but my heart doesnt want to accept it. and this isnt fair to this new kid. hes sooo sweet. hes everything. its not fair that i dont know what i want. and its not fair tht idont let him know. iquess im afraid of what he'll say. or maybe im afraid tht he wont even qive a fuck. like maybe he doesnt want me the way iwant him . but then im afraid to ask . ihave the biggest fear of rejection . ijust dont want to lose him before i really HAVE him . but idont want to hurt him either. idont know what to do and it hurts. im undecided . & its driving me c r a z y . *

Nothing Left.

So its been months. of the same old thing. yu want me now but later yu dont know. today were in love , tmro were letting go. its too much. ive learned yur nvr gona be who ineed you to be. yur never going to love me the way i want yu to. or commit to me the way i need yu to. yu made promises , iknew you would break. igave yu my heart . silly me. knew you would break tht too . i guess i was jus looking for something in the wrong places. but yur smile, yur sense of humor, yur attitude & so much more blinded me. yu keep trying to hide behind this facade &i quess i am too. becus while yu were tryna act like u did care - i was tryna act like i ddnt. & now its the other way around. because i kno yu care. i can hear it in your voice, i read between the lines, ican feel it when yu hold me, sense it when yu stare into my eyes. but its this " player reputation" youre tryna maintain. & i thought i culd hold on forever. ipromised iwould . but icant. some things just arent meant to work , some ppl just arent meant to be toqether. sometimes even if its the hardest thing in the world - yu have to let qo. so im sayin Hello to Goodbye. goodbye to all those nights i cried myself to sleep , praying to god we would work. praying to god for the strength to pull us through this. goodbye to all yur lies. and all yur honesty. to everything yu have ever said. whether it was real or not - idont want it anymore. idont need it anymore. were over. were done. theres no more second chances. theres no more makin up & breakin up. theres no more " i wuv you baby" . we built it up. we Let it falL. & now theres nothing Left.

Happy 18th Birthday Babee.

Wow kiddo , icant believe its your 18th birthday ! seems unreal. you should be here qettin drunk and having sex with qrls yu barely know. then laughin about it laterr lmao ; you should be lookin fresh as ever. hair all nicee and braided. etc etc . but youre not. and its not fair at all . and i wanna believe tht everything happens for a reason . but i quess deeep inside im still angry . angry at god, angry at the ppl who did this, angry at everyone. idont know what happened tht nite. so many different stories, cant tell which is real. all i do know is tht night , i lost a great friend. one of a kind, and i miss you so much. iused to cry everynight. because i hated this, because i couldnt believe it, because ilove and miss you. but today i cry , because im choosing to accept it...finally. im choosing to let all the anger go. im choosing to Livee . i died . for you. becausse of you. over you. with you. i Died when you died Angelo , & Now im Living for you .

- Miss you , Love you . Never Forget . Happy birthday babe . :')

What is God?

i Had a conversation with karen , and since then ive been thinking . . . who is God? What is God? does he even exist ? and if he does, is he black or white, or asian . is he fat or skinny. or is he anything we want him to be ?

A part of me feels like G o d , is just a figment of our imagination . Is he something we keep in our minds, something we choose to believe in because it keeps us holding on , because it gives us hope . because when things are so difficult, times are so rough , and life just seems unbearable - we need something to keep us going ? iBelieve in God, but i think i believe in God because i have to . Because im the type of person who breaks down, who feeels pain ,who cries herself to sleep. im h u m a n , & i , just like you - need something to hold on to. Something to believe in . And maybe thats exactly what God is - Something to believe in .

if i were gay .

What if i were gay .

Would my mother look at me different .

Would my family accept me .

Would my friends feel uncomfortable around me.

If i were gay . . .

Would you talk to me,

Or walk past me as if you never knew me.

Would you support me , because its my choice ,

Or be angry with me and tell me this isnt right.

Would you accept me with love ,

Or batter me with hate .

If i were gay . . .

Would the world listen to me ,

Or would my voice be silenced , taken away .

Would i be rejected by society,

Or embraced with open arms.

If i were gay . . .

Would you Love me , because this is who i am

Or hate me because i cant .

Would you be happy for me .

- - if Love is L o v e , then it shouldnt matter who the person is. The color of their skin , their racial backround , where they come from , where they qrew up , what color their hair is, what type of clothes they wear, what type of music they listen to, even their gender should not matter .

HomoSexuality.

-- Y O U cant tell M E who to love .

So i just finished watching this tyra episode about homo sexuality, and i must say im fuckin HEATED. There are so many things going through my mind at once i dont even know where to start .

Choice : Being Gay is NOT a choice , its who you are. You dont wake up one morning and say "heyy you kno what i think im going to be gay , i want people to call me names and try to make me miserable " , you dont do that. No one wants to deal with that pain or tht heartache . It is who you are , you cant change who you are. Just Like you cant change what you are. Just like you cant change the color of your skin . & thats one thing i think we should all understand. We are who we are .

Church : Alot of the time when ppl are trying to defend their belief AGAINST homosexuality they use church & the bible as an excuse. I think its ridiculous , the bible says all types of things . They say tht God doesnt want people to be gay , well you know what i grew up on the belief tht god wants us all to be happy as long as were doing no harm to others. Who are we hurting if were loving someone of the same sex? How are we hurting anyone ? like AT ALL. idont see it . God says be kind to your neighbor , dont enflict pain on others, God says support eachother, Love eachother . So why is it doesnt apply if im gay? If im gay that means you cant support me , or Love me -why is that ?

Acceptance : Growing up were told we need to learn to make our own decisions , our own choices, live our own lives. We are told to be happy , & successful , & l i v e . So if i decide that a woman is who makes me happy , a woman is who gives me butterflies , who makes me blush , who warms my heart, how can you tell me thats wrong? how can you tell me its wrong to be happy? youre telling me its wrong to love. Youre telling me im only supposed to be with a person of the opposite sex , what if a man isnt who makes me happy , or makes me blush or gives me butterflies. am i supposed to be miserable for the rest of my life because of YOUR beliefs? . you cant control what you feel . & the only way to be truely happy is to accept who/what you are , & be proud of it. You dont have to accept a gay persons preference but you damn sure will respect it . because its THEIR choice for THEM . If we dont accept eachother for who we are , then whats wrong with the world were living in ?