Time to Let qo .

When its Real its unconditional . So Know that i will always love you .
Ill thnk of you everynight & in my heart- no ones above you.
Yea , you hurt me, but i dont & never will hate you.
Youll try to work it out & ill tell you its too late boo .
Cause i put my all in, & you ddnt seem to care.
So even thouqh i Love you - i Refuse to be there .

:'( :') =/ -___-

Itll Be Ok .

The past month has been hell . idont like to talk about it much. theres no point. nothing really matters anymore. nothing feels the same. i watched one of my bestfriends become a perfect stranger. the Love of my Life became my worst enemy & hardest memory . schools a mess. & my friends say im not the me i once was. maybe thts a qood thinq, maybe its for the best or maybe this is qoin to destroy me. idk . all i do know is that this little qrl makes it alright. When i feel like breaking down, iLook at her & ican do nothing but smile. Shes my world & She keeps me holding on. :')

Random Freewrite.

i heard a noise upstairs & iwent to investiqatee. . . .

My hearts pounding through my chest. Beating faster , faster, louder and louder with each step itake. What could it be ? An animal , a burqler , a murderer. It could be anything. Pls dnt let me die tonitee, moms brinqin home subway :( . All these thoughts racing through my mind. Then BOOM ! my mind goes blank. ive reached the top step , when i obtain the courage i turn the corner. Scared for my life. And there it was. Three strange men . . . and a dead brother. I didnt know what to do or think. I just stood there. Then BOOM ! another loud noise and i collapse. i look down to find myself drenched in what seemed to be my own blood. Then all was a blur. I Layed there trying to analyze the situation . Trying to grasp what had just happened. Threee strange men . . . Three strange men , a dead brother. & a dead me.

B r e a k DOWN pt 4

Everything is as it should be. i have a boy who makes me happy and deserves me. my friends & i are qetttin alonq. School is awesome , social life is qreat. but somehow its not enough . i have every reason to smile , yet i can only hide my face and cry . when im with him it feels ok . other than tht - :'( . idk what im lookin for. maybe im looking for someone to understnd. maybe im lookin for someone to see tht im dying inside & save me. maybe im lost. idk what it is. but im hoping i figure it out soon .

B r e a k DOWN pt 3

Then theres the whole relationship thinq. theres always one person i fall WAYY too fast for. Everyone else is just there. i feel bad saying that, but its true. i get bored easily, i move on , i just dont give a fuck. i feel bad hurting ppl . And i half die when im hurt. i Fall , i hurt, i qet up aqain. thts the way its always been.

i was on and off with this quy for about 5/6 months ? . . . . and in those 5 months i went through more than i think ive gone through with anyone. hes was everything to me. he was the reason for every smile , and the reason for every tear. He put me through hell & back and i stuck by his side. because thts what u do when yu realy care about someone. you stick around. iwasnt afraid to look stupid. well tht relationship ended horribly. or maybe it ddnt end yet, i cant tell . ithnk its really over this time though . and the thought of tht excites me. terrifies me. brings me to tears. i have someone new, whos everything i should have everything my ex isnt. and he makes me so happy. but for some reason . i thnk of my ex, and i cnt do anything but yell and cry. its not fair it didnt work. its not fair i qave it my all & was left with nothing. i put my heart and soul into tht relationship . Hes mad at me for trying to move on, and im mad at him for not understanding. TOO MUCH happened to qo back now. The relationship was destroyed beyond repair. And it took forever to accept it , but iknow now itll N e v e r work . Sometimes no matter how much you care, you have to accept tht some things just arent meant to be. And this is one of them. iLove him , & iwnt forqet him. but i have to let him qo now. ='/

B r e a k DOWN pt2

Why me ? Why did i live , and not them. ithnk about the ppl weve lost, all the ppl who die on a regular basis. and it tears me apart.

i misss anqelo sooo much sometimes. iknow iknow , nothing i do will bring him back. i couldnt have saved him . there was nothing i couldve done tht night. And crying like this will only make me sick . But see i lost myself when i lost him . IDK why itook it as hard as i did , or why its haunting me the way it is to this day. but i did. i like died. and then i qot better. or i pretended to be better . to this day. i look at crowds of boys, waitin to see him pop outa nowhere like yoo wahs qood. lol :') . i want to stop crying, i wanna be better . ive tried all types of things, but nomatter what i do , its something thts embeded in me. its something idnt thnk will ever qo away . And its killing me inside.

- RIP anqelo :'(

B r e a k DOWN.- pt 1

For the longest time, all ive asked for is happiness. And now its like i have everything tht should make me happy. And i qo around saying how happy i am , because i should be. But for some reason , i lay down at night , and still cry myself to sleep . its like i told chelsie , its not fair. Nomatter what i do , tht thouqht creeps into my mind. The thouqht of all the relationships tht were supposed to work , all the ppl who were supposed to live. . . .

Undecided.

im the type of qrl , that sees what she wants & qoes for it.... but lately ive been the type of qrl who doesnt even know what she wants. i hate hurting people. ican be the biggest bitch ever. idnt mind telling you the truth. but when it comes to breaking hearts , it kills me. ithought iloved him . but he was everything i ddnt want. he was everything i should never have , everything thats bad for me. yet - the only thing my heart was calling for. and then i thought i ddnt care. ithought it was over. for good this time. & in a way it is. we will never be what we started off as. what were supposed to be. because now i have feelings for someone else. someone who deserves me. idnt really know him tht well , but he makes me feel good. he deserves a fair chance. hes what iwant. but. idont know if im ready to give him that chance. idont know if ican give him my heart , when i know my ex still has it. and this makes me so mad, iwant this kid. & i hate my ex. but icnt let him qo . iknow we wont be toqether aqain . its jus the fact tht he stays on my mind. he hurt me over & over . HE DOESNT DESERVE ME. its over. its over. its over . and it repeats in my mind. i qet it . its done with. but my heart doesnt want to accept it. and this isnt fair to this new kid. hes sooo sweet. hes everything. its not fair that i dont know what i want. and its not fair tht idont let him know. iquess im afraid of what he'll say. or maybe im afraid tht he wont even qive a fuck. like maybe he doesnt want me the way iwant him . but then im afraid to ask . ihave the biggest fear of rejection . ijust dont want to lose him before i really HAVE him . but idont want to hurt him either. idont know what to do and it hurts. im undecided . & its driving me c r a z y . *

Nothing Left.

So its been months. of the same old thing. yu want me now but later yu dont know. today were in love , tmro were letting go. its too much. ive learned yur nvr gona be who ineed you to be. yur never going to love me the way i want yu to. or commit to me the way i need yu to. yu made promises , iknew you would break. igave yu my heart . silly me. knew you would break tht too . i guess i was jus looking for something in the wrong places. but yur smile, yur sense of humor, yur attitude & so much more blinded me. yu keep trying to hide behind this facade &i quess i am too. becus while yu were tryna act like u did care - i was tryna act like i ddnt. & now its the other way around. because i kno yu care. i can hear it in your voice, i read between the lines, ican feel it when yu hold me, sense it when yu stare into my eyes. but its this " player reputation" youre tryna maintain. & i thought i culd hold on forever. ipromised iwould . but icant. some things just arent meant to work , some ppl just arent meant to be toqether. sometimes even if its the hardest thing in the world - yu have to let qo. so im sayin Hello to Goodbye. goodbye to all those nights i cried myself to sleep , praying to god we would work. praying to god for the strength to pull us through this. goodbye to all yur lies. and all yur honesty. to everything yu have ever said. whether it was real or not - idont want it anymore. idont need it anymore. were over. were done. theres no more second chances. theres no more makin up & breakin up. theres no more " i wuv you baby" . we built it up. we Let it falL. & now theres nothing Left.

Happy 18th Birthday Babee.

Wow kiddo , icant believe its your 18th birthday ! seems unreal. you should be here qettin drunk and having sex with qrls yu barely know. then laughin about it laterr lmao ; you should be lookin fresh as ever. hair all nicee and braided. etc etc . but youre not. and its not fair at all . and i wanna believe tht everything happens for a reason . but i quess deeep inside im still angry . angry at god, angry at the ppl who did this, angry at everyone. idont know what happened tht nite. so many different stories, cant tell which is real. all i do know is tht night , i lost a great friend. one of a kind, and i miss you so much. iused to cry everynight. because i hated this, because i couldnt believe it, because ilove and miss you. but today i cry , because im choosing to accept it...finally. im choosing to let all the anger go. im choosing to Livee . i died . for you. becausse of you. over you. with you. i Died when you died Angelo , & Now im Living for you .

- Miss you , Love you . Never Forget . Happy birthday babe . :')

What is God?

i Had a conversation with karen , and since then ive been thinking . . . who is God? What is God? does he even exist ? and if he does, is he black or white, or asian . is he fat or skinny. or is he anything we want him to be ?

A part of me feels like G o d , is just a figment of our imagination . Is he something we keep in our minds, something we choose to believe in because it keeps us holding on , because it gives us hope . because when things are so difficult, times are so rough , and life just seems unbearable - we need something to keep us going ? iBelieve in God, but i think i believe in God because i have to . Because im the type of person who breaks down, who feeels pain ,who cries herself to sleep. im h u m a n , & i , just like you - need something to hold on to. Something to believe in . And maybe thats exactly what God is - Something to believe in .

if i were gay .

What if i were gay .

Would my mother look at me different .

Would my family accept me .

Would my friends feel uncomfortable around me.

If i were gay . . .

Would you talk to me,

Or walk past me as if you never knew me.

Would you support me , because its my choice ,

Or be angry with me and tell me this isnt right.

Would you accept me with love ,

Or batter me with hate .

If i were gay . . .

Would the world listen to me ,

Or would my voice be silenced , taken away .

Would i be rejected by society,

Or embraced with open arms.

If i were gay . . .

Would you Love me , because this is who i am

Or hate me because i cant .

Would you be happy for me .

- - if Love is L o v e , then it shouldnt matter who the person is. The color of their skin , their racial backround , where they come from , where they qrew up , what color their hair is, what type of clothes they wear, what type of music they listen to, even their gender should not matter .

HomoSexuality.

-- Y O U cant tell M E who to love .

So i just finished watching this tyra episode about homo sexuality, and i must say im fuckin HEATED. There are so many things going through my mind at once i dont even know where to start .

Choice : Being Gay is NOT a choice , its who you are. You dont wake up one morning and say "heyy you kno what i think im going to be gay , i want people to call me names and try to make me miserable " , you dont do that. No one wants to deal with that pain or tht heartache . It is who you are , you cant change who you are. Just Like you cant change what you are. Just like you cant change the color of your skin . & thats one thing i think we should all understand. We are who we are .

Church : Alot of the time when ppl are trying to defend their belief AGAINST homosexuality they use church & the bible as an excuse. I think its ridiculous , the bible says all types of things . They say tht God doesnt want people to be gay , well you know what i grew up on the belief tht god wants us all to be happy as long as were doing no harm to others. Who are we hurting if were loving someone of the same sex? How are we hurting anyone ? like AT ALL. idont see it . God says be kind to your neighbor , dont enflict pain on others, God says support eachother, Love eachother . So why is it doesnt apply if im gay? If im gay that means you cant support me , or Love me -why is that ?

Acceptance : Growing up were told we need to learn to make our own decisions , our own choices, live our own lives. We are told to be happy , & successful , & l i v e . So if i decide that a woman is who makes me happy , a woman is who gives me butterflies , who makes me blush , who warms my heart, how can you tell me thats wrong? how can you tell me its wrong to be happy? youre telling me its wrong to love. Youre telling me im only supposed to be with a person of the opposite sex , what if a man isnt who makes me happy , or makes me blush or gives me butterflies. am i supposed to be miserable for the rest of my life because of YOUR beliefs? . you cant control what you feel . & the only way to be truely happy is to accept who/what you are , & be proud of it. You dont have to accept a gay persons preference but you damn sure will respect it . because its THEIR choice for THEM . If we dont accept eachother for who we are , then whats wrong with the world were living in ?

Missinq Him.

iRealized how much i miss him today. he hit me up. at first i thouqht oh qod wah did i do wronq now. but then . . . idk . i did nothinq wronq. he just wanted to tLk. and tht feLt so qood. cause were friends. but we havent tLkd in a whiLe.... tLkinq to him feLt qood. feLt Like oLd times when he used to hit me up every niqht. & wed jus tlk about nothinq. & even thouqh we were tlkin about absolutely nothinq- it felt magical. it feLT right. imiss him so much. we qave eachother so many chances, so many times to qet it riqht, yet we faiLed everytime. everytime we watched "Us" falL apartt. "Us" became " him " & "i" . then we became "Us" aqain. & this repeated too many times to even count. we qot to the point we realized it wasnt workinq. For the Lonqest time i thouqht it was my fauLt. iWasnt pretty enouqh, or sexy enouqh, or smart enouqh, or funny enouqh. it hurt. but then i realized it wasnt tht at alL. it just wasnt workinq.& maybe one day we couLd try aqain. but for now this is whats best. because i couldnt take it anymore. because he couldnt take it anymore. because breakinq up & makeinq up, fiqhtin & yelLinq, back & forth every day. it became too much to handLe. too much to take.so we qave up. or did we really? idk. Maybe Fate wilL brinq us back toqether. Maybe we`lL jus be friends . who knows. alL i know is. iM Missinq him. & iKnow hes missinq me.

&- as Nelitza says - " if its meant to be , itlL be " So Lets just hope for the best .

Shes [ ^^ ]mad CooL btw- qo staLk herr [:

D O N T Lie to me

So i need to vent . TOO many lies beinq toLd. Needa qet this shit off my chest. so here qoes .

- Dont constantLy telL me you love me , then telL her the same thinq . its SOOO unnecessary .

- Dont Give up on me, you know i deserve more than that.

- Dont qet my hopes up, then let me down .

- Dont telL me youre my best friend, then abandon me every couple months.

- Dont call yaseLf my bestfriend. then constantLy telL me im fat. or uqly. or constantLy remind me of my fLaws. fkn bitch. look in the mirror.

- Dont calL me a whore then go out and fuck every nikka on ya block .

- Dont calL me uqLy. im not the prettiest qrL in the worLd but im probabLy a hundred times prettier than yu bitch. qo eat a cheeseburger. qain a pound or two. yu look hunqry ! >:O

- Dont make promises you know you cant keep .

Lonq story Short - DONT LiE TO ME.

Waitinq in the Rain .

There was this LittLe qirL. She spent her Life waitinq in the rain for this qhuy . She sat in the rain cryinq & cryinq her heart out. With each second that passed , the raindrops felL harder & harder. And with each raindrop that fell , came a teardrop aLonq with it. As oLd memories came rushing back into her mind. The past unbearable , the future feared, & the present too painfuL to speak of. Then came in the storm , liqhtninq, thunder the whole shabanq . And then she sees his face. But hes not really there, its solely a figment of her imagination & she knows this yet something inside her reaches out for him . She pokes out her hand, & looks into his eyes. Tears still rolling down her precious cheeks. The Look in his eyes brings the tears down even faster. She keeps her hand reaching for his for days, weeks, months. The storms qettin` worse. Tears still flowinq. Hes stilL riqht there. But then something happens. Time is passing and she notices a change in him . Hes fading . Hes not the person she thouqht she knew. Hes a familiar facee, but not a comforting one. A stranger at heartt , fading slowly. Little by littLe , til she can barely see him . All the while, her hand is qrowin weaker & weaker. Her eyes - exhausted. Shes become angry & bitter. And with anqer , her tears come to an end. Shes done cryinq, Now she just yells & yells & yells . Not even words , jus noise & pain flowin out of her. But she receives no response. The liqhtininq & thunder come to a hault. All thts left is rain . She finally puts her hand down , & with everythinq in her she yells " I cant wait anymore . . . i cant love you anymore . . . goodbyee " She just couldnt wait any lonqer. As she turns toward the stairs she notices the rain start to stop. She steps up the stairs & says " i Loved you " . The rain slowinq with each breath & each step. She reaches the door, steps inside , turns and whispers " i really really loved you " , & as she closes the door, the rain stops.

Running . -_-

iwas trying to get away .
From everyone & everything.
From responsibility, heartbreak, pain , lies, truth.
iwas running from L i F E .
And i made my way to you .
You were all i needed ,
All i dreamt of ,
All i ever wanted to be .
Then something happened.
And now i found that ive been missing everything.
iwas trying to get away.
Running away from L i F E .
But now all im running from is You.

Sick of today.

Everyday is constant battle.
iLose myself in all this bullshit.
iDc , bout what anyone has to say.
Or maybe i care so much tht it kills me.
IDontKnow.
Im mad at you for leaving when yu said yu never would.
im mad at the ppl who judge before they know.
im mad at everyone who doesnt understand.
im mad youre so far away .
im mad icnt see your face.
or hold your hand.
im mad tht ppl die over stupid shit.
im just mad.
FUCK the world .
im Just sick of today.
Waiting to see what tmro brings.

iStand Alone.

ilost myself in this thing icall life.

So i stand alone.

Sometimes idk who i am.

or who i want to be.

& no one understnds.

or maybe no one wants to,

maybe no one even tries.

no one gets it.

so i stay away.

away from everyone who used to care.

away from everyone who pretends to care.

away from everyone who wants to.

away from anyone who can hurt me.

Leaves me alone , but maybe thts best.

ilost myself in this thing i call life.

& now i stand alone.

Silent Stares.

ilove how yuu stare at me. -_-
maybe not a stare, jus a look icnt define.
like yu have something to say,
all the thoughts lockd in yur mind.
all the feelinqs yu try to hide,
"i adore you"s turnd to "goodbyes"
its no use,iforget to even try.
you said move on, where do i go ?
ill be w others, ill rub it in ur face.
but we both kno whats really goin on,
yu jus want my warm embrace
and i jus want the truth.
but i gues i already have tht,
cause in ur silent stares,
in yur one-word answers,
ifind what im lookin for.
ican see everything you trying so hard to disguise.
ican see tht more than anything, yu still care.

See you Later.

Theres so many things iwant to tell you , Dont know if you can hear, it gets hard to breathe & ive shed too many tears. Its not fair, one day yur here, the next yu dissapear. See when you left, a part of me was lost . A part of me went wondering, a part of me got ghost. See you held what so many nikkas lack . A part of me died, and im just tryna get it back. But icant get back if im holding it all in. So ill say it all out, hope you understand .

- ive been holding on to something thts already GONE. making myself sick . Alienating myself from everyone whos trying to be there for me. everyone whos trying to care. So now i have to let you go. Know tht ill forever Love you , always miss you , & never forget . ijust have to get better. So im saying - G o o d b y e . Or better yet, see you later.

What is L O V E ;

:: its having no boundaries, no rules, no limitationss as to how far youre willing to go for a person or group of people. Understanding when no one else does. Forgiving, though not forgetting, but laughing about it later. its defending eachother at all cost. Giving a person a power over you , letting them in close enough to completely destroy you, giving them the option of tearing you apart, but trusting them enough to do none of the above. Not always seeing eye to eye, but respecting eachothers views. Love is being there reguardless of whats going on, or what has happened, sticking around despite the past, hopeing for a better future. Depending on eachother, &-forgiving the unforgivable, bearing the unbearable, loving the unlovable.. Love is trust, loyalty, mistakes and mishaps, pain, hurt, tears, etc., etc. Love is happy & sad, angry and mad. Living through eachother.Accepting eachother despite the flaws, giving comfort and help when needed and even when unwanted. Love is looking into someones eyes, and seeing the whole world. Love is holding on for dear life ..